Seven's Blog

31st of May 2026

30th of May 2026

i have never felt this tired in my whole life. i feel like i can't be bothered to do more than stay in my room and even then that seems like such a taunting task. i don't even understand why my brain percieves every day like an article on a to do list.

sometimes i feel like i have an indestructible body. i've been making it run the gauntlet for so long and still it seems to never really fail me, which is terrible for someone like me who, above all else wishes to be seen as fragile. it's a sick thought to have, but i want to be seen as in need of help. as much as i hate asking for it, as much as i hate having to strip myself naked of all my systems of control. i feel sorry for myself. i do too much maybe.

21st of May 2026

i feel like on a certain level i have some interanlized toxic masculinity even as a trans man. which is crazy, where did i get it lol.
anyway, idk how to describe it any better, but especially emotionally, i kind of live by the rule of never showing anyone any negative emotion and i struggle with showing affection in more standard ways and just have very bad emotional intelligence when it comes to actually acting on emotions (idk if this makes sense, i hope it does).
also i don't like asking people for help on tasks and stuff like that. i need to stress that i don't really apply all of these things to other people, but only to me.

kind of a random thought, but i feel like the "language learning app" niche has gotten a duolingo shaped hole since the whole AI debacle that no other app has been able to fill

9th of March 2026

I can't believe that I fell in love with someone who is probably a chaser who doesn't really care about me. I am a hopeless fag and he is nice to me, he's friendly and he likes a lot of the same things I like and every time I am with him I feel so happy. last time we hanged out at my house we played videogames together and I felt like I was a teen again, hanging out with my other nerdy friends. it's so precious to be able to feel so connected with someone. I really love him a lot. Tho I know he probably doesn't really like me as much as I like him, or maybe I just want a level of attachment that is not healthy. I don't like being in love. it always scares me so much. i know i can't show my emotions too much. i become so stupid when i'm in love. i lose all type of self respect and i become just so easily manipulated. and i like it. i really just like it when i get to see that the person i like has no real interest in me, but it's just sad... i don't know if i will ever have a proper relationship.

7th of September 2025

so like a year ago, right before Easter I had this horrible cold/fever thing. I was coughing nonstop and I convinced myself I had developed cancer because I smoke and that this was also a punishment from God because I was smoking(this leap in logic isn't too clear) and I think that was the point I should have known that my mental health was going south. That's not a normal thing to think. I was so convinced. I was terrified. I spent nights crying. I think that's also the first really big religion related delusion I ever had.